On October 10, known as World Mental Health Day, the message is about asking for help: “It’s OK to not be OK. Reach out. You’ll get better.” But for many of us, the real challenge is staying well once we’re already in treatment.
My depression doesn’t look like the stereotypes of a woman with a resting sad face. It hides behind an avatar of someone who has it all together. I’m a mom and a public mental health professional. I keep my appointments, meet deadlines, do school dropoffs, and arrange playdates. I've also lived with a major depressive disorder (MDD) for almost 20 years, which means sometimes feel like I’m made of lead.
This is what it looks like to live inside a diagnosis that doesn’t go away—and how I’ve learned to keep my dark thoughts and sadness in off mode.
Depression often causes what's known as “functional impairment,” meaning it can interfere with work, relationships, and daily responsibilities. But not everyone experiences it that way.
High-functioning depression isn’t a clinical term, but it is often used to describe people who mask their sadness behind productivity, reliability, or even cheerfulness.
“Some people with depression still get up everyday and go to work and ’seem fine’ on the outside. People mask symptoms for a number of reasons including fear of what others may think or experiencing guilt and shame,” says Gregory Scott Brown, MD, a psychiatrist for the American Psychiatric Association.
For me, depression brings physical pain, like a heavy kettlebell is pressing against my chest. Standing up takes real effort. I feel hollow and depleted. The physical symptoms, while still invisible, are somewhat welcome because they signal to my brain that yes, we are all in alignment: I suck.
